Guestbook

Fantastic work!

my x just left with our 3 kids. we have been arguing over her drug use for 2 months now, and the low point was last week when i woke at 6.30 am to find her already off her face. an argument later and she grabbed the kids and left. i was supprised 2 days later to find the phone and power disconected, but not as supprised as when the police arrived bearing an A V O. what i found most incredable was the fact that she admitted that in our 9 year relationship there had been no violence, we have never even had the police turn up about arguing. i am baffled how the avo was granted , as she now says she is fearfull i will harm her and our children, even though there is no evidence of even heated arguments.
what i found alarming was that DOCS failed to act on a serious risk of harm report from myself and the local police. i visited DOCS for a follow up last week and they said they saw no merrit in the claims despite there own psych report on my x stating ; excecive drug use, her being observed by hospital staff punching our 5 month old daughter in the head 3 times, having the children placed in my care and her visits requiring supervision, and previos suiside attempt( befour she met me ). yet here i am looking at this AVO and feeling so gutted and dead inside. how can this happen ?.
james

Way to go Belinda. You sock it to them. Just say it how it is. Love it. Keep it up.

Daughters (adult) of single fathers -
I have been wondering how different are we, or perceived to be , by others.
I don't do girl talk (hate it), not interested in social gossip, no tolerance for bitchiness. I do have good relationships with (stable and secure) men - I do not fear them or NEED the approval ( or love) or attention of males - because of having a stable relationship with my own father. I seem not to tolerate any form of control over me by men.
This does not mean I don't like males, or find them attractive, it means having a sense of security, being approved of by your father, having positive attention from your father, means females are more secure in themselves and do not crave attention or approval from (non-father) other males they meet, including bosses as well as socially.
Do other adult daughters find they have a different set of interests to other women? Like me, do you have absolutely no feelings of performance anxiety about housework, or taking a dish or a cake etc. to a do, because your sense of self worth is not gauged by housewifely duties?
Do you find other women don't understand where you are coming from especially if you are not able to keep up with the patterns and rhythms of a group of women talking.
Are you very un-interested in putting men down?
Do you handle problems differently bacause growing up in a male household things weren't talked about maybe as much as they are with women?
Am I really a sociological phenomenom as the only Australian daughter of a single father to realise that 99.9% of all other Australian women had a different childhood.
I look forward to any response to this rather long post. Belinda

My husband passed away last year by suicide. He was the most wonderful father a child could ever ask for. He has now left his 4 children ages 18, 8,4 and 3 without a father figure in their lives. Well done Troy we need LYINX. Both fathers and mothers need to realise that just because a relationship breaks down does not mean the parents and childrens relationship needs to break down too. There are ways to make the childrens lives as easy as possible through a difficult situation. Children need BOTH parents in their lives for the transition to be a smooth one and the parents need to maintain a civil relationship so that the stress that break ups cause is not past onto the children. Life is hard enough these days for the kids with all the new drugs and pressures of life out there, they dont need their parents (the people that love them the most and who are their protectors) to add to these pressures.

This site was recomended to me by a friend and I am glad it was. This is a blessing. I spoke to you last week and it is such a relief to be able to talk to someone like minded, and best of all it costs nothing. I live too far away to come to a support group but wish I could.
Keep it up.
Brett C

Excellent initiative

more than The hollow removing my woods Street into the yard, the wild We had them. and one day, the wild


Editors Note: Don't ask me what this means but it is important to someone.

Hi Troy,

Just wanting to congratulate you on the website and the work you do providing support to fathers and their children who are going through family breakdown. Hopefully the work you do with Lyinx for the people of Dubbo will inspire others from neighboring communities and beyong to take up the challenge of setting up a Lyinx support groups in their local communities.

I am in the process of publicizing Lyinx on our website as well as in our eNewsletter. If there are any other ways we assist please don't hesitate to contact me.

Regards

Brad Mander, Founder
Australian Camp Connect Association
www.campconnect.org.au

Nice site

Nice site

Thanks Josh for the encouraging words.
The magnitude of our problems differ. I feel for you, at least I have the opportunity to see my little champion 3 times a week, albeit under supervision. But for that hour we are both in a special place, full of laughs, smiles and giggles and some adhoc wrestling. I'm a bit concerned though by his tactics, he's not averse to spitting, eye gouging, kicking and he has a nose hold that would bring down a pro wrestler. The distance I have to travel (1.5 hrs) is a doddle in comparison to over 500ks.

I was under the misguided impression that doing everything right would serve me well. But I now realise that the system enables someone who is prepared to fabricate, dramatise and slander, the opportunity to prolong things significantly.
It’s the motivation for it all that I struggle with. I would be prepared tomorrow, to draw a line in the sand and move on in the interest of our Son. But that does not seem like it will happen. There must be bitterness, competitiveness, stubbornness or something that prevents it.

I have just been through the court appointed mediation process. They introduced a child psychologist who told me that in her professional opinion that it would not be appropriate for my son to spend nights with me until at least 5 years old. (her opening statement!) This is contrary to much literature and research I have found. It suggests and so does logic that the earlier a child can bond with their father and become familiar with surroundings the stronger the relationship and trust will be. It’s all a matter of when you pull that band-aid off, and minimise the impact in the long term.

I am going to have to put my faith in the family court.
I’m optimistic, but fully aware that the process may mean that it is a long hard battle.
I have to focus on the fact that I can’t control much of it. I will do all I can with all the financial and emotional resources I have and be able to hold my head high.
I also need to make sure I look after me in the meantime. There is such a tendency to go in to a holding pattern and 2 years of your life could so easily slip by.

Editors Note; This is great that you are still optimistic with what you have to go through. This conversation would better suit the forum section though

Hi , it's nice , but sad to read all the new letters , hope we can all help to encourage each other through these really hard times , as I have said before if we can share our hard times they don't seem quite so bad. Brett and Ian we are here for you , listening to you and wishing there was more we could do... I know my problems don't seem so big when I hear you guys
It's been near ten years for me now, and the kids have been taken 900klm
away , so 900k to get them , 900k back here , and the same to take them back after access , done that every school holidays { 4 times a year } for nine years { 4 old cars later } but Iv'e had some great times with my two boys , even though Iv'e not had my little girl for six years now because of all the crap that she has been told... It nearly ripped my guts out when I finally found out why she had been so terrified of me... she said she was told by her mother that I would drag her away kicking and screaming if she didn't want to go with me... I have finally got her confidence but she still hasn't come with me but hopefully one day.... It stinks to think csa try to force me to pay someone like that , especially after she took off with her own best friends husband , and they laugh and joke in front of the kids about what they will do next to make it difficult for me to get access to my kids ... that bloke took my kids , so he should pay to keep them ... I bet if I pinched his car they wouldn't send him around here to fill it with fuel... after all it's still his car... I hate csa for what they have done to dads who really only want to be there for there kids.... keep trying Brett it's really worth it..
Josh

Well Done. Awesome site.
Fathers feelings are sometimes forgotten in custody battles, its becomes all about the mothers feelings. I believe all fathers have a right to be a significant participant in their children's lives, as they should be anyway.
Great Job Troy

Fantastic site, wish I had support 12 years ago, having 2 wonderful kids at social functions, school etc etc was like having leprosy as a single father.
Some of us dont have 2 heads!!!

I used to watch news reports of men who had absconded with their children and wonder why, and perhaps even shed the burden of doubt on them…They must have done something (I’m sure I thought).
Add to this the depression, drinking, gambling, loss of motivation, self esteem and of course suicide, much of which you don’t even hear about.
I now understand it, of course don’t condone it, but understand it and wish it weren’t so.

There are more tragic stories than mine, but the stories no matter how much they may differ are all very pertinent, all very real and all so avoidable. I feel embarrassed as a human being that two people who share such an enormous responsibility have to behave like they do.
It should law that anyone contemplating marriage or children should be made to spend a day at the Family Courts. It is a sobering experience….. Why can’t we all just play together nicely, particularly when something so important as an innocent child is involved.

My beautiful little boy, who is just seven months old now, was the product of a short term but certainly a loving relationship.
From the point of pregnancy I was pushed away, where my partner ensured she created a situation where she didn’t have to rely on anyone else. (a controlling personality).
She relocated to be close to her sister (an hour away from where we lived). Initiated a moving target of issues to justify this stance.
Right through to the (scheduled) birth date, where I arrived to find that my son had been born the day before. There was time found to tell every nurse that I wasn’t to see him and organise a social worker to arrange minimal and supervised contact should I arrive.
The time I have been able to spend with my son has been; a total of 8 hours in the first 3 days (because he was in hospital); 7 hours over the next 15 weeks.
I was then served with an AVO so did not see him for 12 weeks.
I have not been involved in any decisions, was not included on the birth certificate, he has been baptised, circumcised and I have no knowledge of his eating, sleeping habits or medical progress.
He has grandparents, aunts and cousins who have not been able to meet him.

The AVO was completely contrived. I was able to prove through phone records that I wasn’t there for one of the major allegations, (stalking the house, screaming outside the door and trying to break in). The rest was hearsay stuff.
Unfortunately court orders were obtained prior to being able to defend the AVO. So I have now been forced into a situation where I have to drive 1.5 hours (both ways), 3 times a week, (during work hours) to spend an hour with my Son in a supervised contact centre, for which I have to pay $450 a week for the privilege. However, I would drive to the end of the earth and pay double if I had to, just to spend 5 minutes with him, it is so precious, yet bitter sweet. It’s wrong that after seven months we haven’t been able to hug each other without someone in the room.
This is all on top of a weekly CSA payment of over $300 (for which there is no requirement to justify what this is spent on).
This process is one situation where you are clearly considered guilty until proven innocent. Although I suspect I may never be proven innocent.
The worst part I find is that you are tarnished with this suspicion of guilt from all avenues. It even hurts me that my partners family and friends (who have been subjected to one version of events) who are good people, think that you are some sort of monster.
I avoid telling too many people about it as you know they go away thinking, “there must be something in it, he must have done something”. Even my family and friends. I know I would have thought that.

I have from the start initiated parenting plans, offered mediation etc etc. All to no avail until forced to by the courts. This has now been another tool that can be used to prolong court proceedings.
Even the though the laws have been changed, that attitude of those involved and mediators come from a position of “well, the child belongs with it’s mother and you really need to work over time and establishing contact” etc etc.

If I had taken my son and run away somewhere, I’m pretty sure that the law and family courts would bend over backwards to expedite a speedy return to the mother. Yet there is no difference in what has eventuated.
The self imposed exile and copious allegations, now mean that any time spent with his Father; unsupervised, extended periods and god forbid overnight will have to be phased in over an extended time.
I always need to keep my eye on the end goal, but time moves so slowly (and pardon the Aerosmith quote) when I really don’t want to miss one smile, I don’t want to miss one kiss.
What I really struggle to come to terms with is “What is the motivation for all of this”.

One thing I have found that helps is to keep a journal (a positive account) of each visits, my feelings etc etc. This helps me to be positive and maybe one day should there be doubt, let him know that he was always loved.
I know my story, although (believe it or not) abbreviated is not rare, or not as extreme as some may be, but it just goes to show amongst other things that we have not got the process right and the losers out of all of this are the children. As human beings we should hand our heads in shame.
Great site - I hope it will make a difference to thers.
Brett

Looks like a fabulous website well done to all concerned.Its been seven years since my seperation ...6 divorced..However a light does come on eventually after time it just takes time , patienceand remaining in a positive state of mind not easy at times:( .This site really has been needed for a while i know i have searched the web for something like this ...Thanks....Di

Hi , iam a single dad for 3 yrs now with 4 boys full time , it was hard to get the courts to see how thing were with thier mother but in the long run the best happen and i got the kids, When she left i was on a farm i had to stop working it so i could drive just over 100 km each way, to take my boy to play group each week this help me a lot as there was no help for me with the kids , as i live a long way from town. it was hard to look after 4 boys , the house and run a farm too. at the play goup i was the only male which put me out of place but i did it for a year, the other mums help me out and talk to me as sometimes i could do nothing but cry went i got there, but as time went on and as hard as it was i changed what i did and the work just didnt happen as much on the farm. i think i had hit rock bottom now , but 8 months after being single the house on the farm went up in fire and the boys and me lost all we had but our pj, so i walk off the farm with the kids . i have always tryed to put my boys frist and to do the best for them.

what i like to say to all the single dads out here is no matter how bad life is to you it can be alot harder but you just got to hang in and hope it will change for the best and never ever give up on your kids no matter what happens. life will work it self out.

thannk you and all the best on this site i am sure it will help a lot of dads

g,day troy congrats on setting up this sort of a site . the children are our future and they need good role models to carry them through it.

i split with my ex wife 4 1/2 years ago and all i could think of was is my daughter going to be ok. i was devastated to see her go with her mother screaming and crying for her me.

four and half years down the track she is a happy well balanced girl of 6 1/2 years . i spent three of those sittinng on my verandahh drinking and smoking when she wasnt with me . we have a very close relashionship , we travel together , we fish , we sail , we do homework together . i have her almost 1/2 the time which is a big commitment when you run your own buisness but every bit is worth it.if it wasnt for my friends and family support i m not so sure i would have made it through this so successfully .

so seeing you put this site together is a godsend for us guys and maybe those who dont have that support it could mean the differance between making it or losing it!

well done mate keep up the great work !

rob chant

Hi Elizabeth , I checked the forum regards CSA , Louise makes a lot of sence
and I have a lot more I could say against CSA... but it would take a lot of paper... The main thing I should make clear about my attitude and csa is that I'm not all for dads and against mums.. it is obvious there are good mums and bad dads and we should all be treated seperately and not put in one bucket , dads that want to spend time with their kids should have that right, 50/50 would be great, school fees sent out 50/50 , living expences would automaticly work out too , if the kids spent 50% of the time with each parent. If one parent moves away like my case , they went 900klm , If she wants her 50% then come back to the same town or loose the right to her 50%... csa would have nothing to do with those cases... If one parent dosen't want anything to do with the kids let csa stick their noses into those cases... after all csa has nothing to do with families that do share responsibilities.... Josh

Editors note: This is great Josh but you should be writing this in the forum under CSA.

Hi Josh, regards CSA, it is worked out on the amount of contact you have and your income. Have a look in the forum regarding this subject. Keep at it with your daughter, they need their dads.

Hi Elizabeth , Its Josh .. I know nothing about changing names so all the best with that, and I hope it dosen't hold your daughter back with her licence... I am getting school reports for my kids now and have for about a year , it took a lot of trouble , but they seem to be coming now... I was always told by csa that child support had nothing to do with acess ,{ " your kids you pay , if you don't get acess go to court , nothing to do with us"}..
I haven't had my daughter for about five years now {my two boys have been ok} my daughter has been told by her mother that I will drag her away kicking and screaming if she didn't want to come with me { she told me that herself } when I heard that I told docs , they said they would come with me and make sure I got her , I asked what they would do and was told they would take her hand and tell her she had to come , she would only cry for about ten minutes then be ok... I said stay away I would rather miss out on having her than put her through that... I have finally got her trust now but she still wont come , hopefully one day she will .. Thanks for the tip on salary sacrificing I'll have to check it out , but remember I love to do things to help my kids and I would help anyones kids , but I don't like being told I have to , I love my kids and I miss em like mad... Josh

Hi Elizabeth, You are right about Josh. It is not fair.
You have a very interesting question though about changing your daughters name. I will post your question on the forum under "parenting questions" and see if someone may be able to help you with that. I will also make some enquiries for you. Keep in mind though that this is only suggestions and not legal advice.
Troy

Josh, I though I had my own demons to battle until I read your letter. You are right, a problem shared is a problem halved.
I logged in to ask if anyone had experience with changing a child's name. This situation is there has been no contact for 8 years, no child support and we have no idea where my ex is. my daughter wants to apply for her L's. She has been using my maiden name since separation and does not want to use her birth name. The law seems wrong in that a person cannot change their name until they reach the age of 18 unless BOTH parents agree but how to you get agreement from someone you cant find? A school certificate, HSC and Drivers licence are all documents that by law have to be issued in the name stated on the birth certificate, before they attain the age of 18. This does not seem fair.
Josh, I agree, the law doesnt seem to be in your court... I wish I had someone willing to pay school fees and doctor's bills, your children are very lucky to have you. Keep those letters and cards, it is something you can give them when they are 18 so they can see that you tried your best to keep in contact with them.
A couple of comments, the school is obligated BY LAW to send you copies of all your children's school reports if you request it.
Your child support is also worked out according to the access you have to your children therefore if you are not having the access that the court papers state, your child support should be reduced accordingly.
Go through a relationship agency and have your access arranged through the child contact centre then if your ex doesnt fulfill her end of the bargain, you have proof.
There is always Salary sacrificing your income into your superanuation.....

Being a teacher we are often faced with custody situations that affect the child, their learning and can impact on other students in the classroom. Parents especially fathers having a support network such as this will be beneficial for their children as the best interest of the child is taken into account. This website is providing men/fathers with the support, guidance and the will power to fight for the custody of their children.
Mel

Hi Troy, Thanks so much for Lyinx and this site where I can open up and get some of this shit off my chest...you know when a problem is shared it only seems half as big...so here goes. Troy I am furious with the child support and family courts, they push emotionaly shattered men off bridges!!! Men who where once good family men and a pleasure to have as friends in our society... Men who love their kids and only ask for a fair go and wanting to spend time with their kids. In my case my wife pissed off with her own best friends husband and my kids and I've battled with courts and csa for 10 years... The mother returns birthday cards (registered person to person) unopened delivery refused...Tells me the court said I can't talk to my kids on the morning of their birthday...I am only allowed to talk to them in the evening from 6:45pm till 7:15pm, and she laughs and hangs up....It goes on and on...The courts do nothing and don't care and child support try to force me to pay her...I tell them I will not pay anyone to hurt my kids but I will do anything for my kids that I know they need or want like school fees or doctors bills ect...csa say great, pay the school fees and we will deduct it off your bill but the school will not send me an account. It goes to the mother and that is that...So eventually I just send the school a cheque for $100 dollars to be used for fees, excursions ect...they send a reciept which I took to csa. CSA then told me that they will have to check with the mother and ask her if she would like to take it off...Of course she said NO-WAY. I told them to go to hell..who would make up a dumb law like that? One mother says yes take it off and the next says no...that's no law, that is bullshit and DISCRIMINATION...and they tell me they do this because they care about my kids, more bullshit. I could go on and on about csa. It's not fair. The law needs to change. I would be happy to pay if I was allowed access to my kids as to court orders but I'm not and she gets away with it. Well Troy I better go and thanks for Lyinx. I hope someone understands my point of view. Josh

FIRSTLY.. let me just say "congratulations" for the efforts to help your fellow Human being, any efforts to make sense out of the mindless void regarded as the "Family Court of Australia" is indeed a huge struggle and to tackle it in any way is exhaustive.. to find help and support from any form is a bonus.. a well informed source..would justifiably be referred to as a HEARTACHE helped along.. because the family court is just that ..heartache for all that share the unfortunate pleasure of entering it. I commend you on the information page you have set up for support .. but to be fair.. where are the hotline numbers for the female side.. whilst I realize that this site is primarily for males..every child has two halfs.. and every custody battle has 3-4-5-6 sides being a absolute BITCH to someone that you used to love.. probably still do love in many ways is a training by most solicitors..not saying that this doesn't come naturally to some women .. I personally felt alone and completely desperate during the many times that I attended court..vulnerable beyond words or thoughts .. so insane sometimes I would have killed just to have the situation finished.. not much fun.. whilst I maintained my children with me..I know of several other kids that had to stand by and watch live with the mums who didnt want the responsiblity alone and would have gladly not had to be the "Single Mum" but simply didn't have the guts to do the right thing for their child.. so in summary.. man , women, and definately child.. this whole scenario is HEART RENCHING,,, traumatising,, exhaustive ,, frustating.. stressful.. very unpleasant ..even when you win..you still loose..

How true it is that it still hurts that my Dad wasn't around. Mum and Dad went to court 13 times to sort out custody of my older sister and I, thankfully I was only 3 so don't really remember it. What I do remember is all the times in my life that Dad wasn't there, good and bad, I always thought he didn't care about me. A couple of years ago I regained contact with him after 7 years but it wasn't easy. He completely shattered my heart. We keep up to date on an email basis now. The sadest thing about not growing up with him was/is that I don't know him and he doesn't know me. I'm really thankful that LYINX has been founded because I living proof that even though I had an amazing Mum growing up (she is my best friend), it hurts still now that I didn't have MY Dad and that I don't have the relationship with him to call him when I've had a bad day. I hope LYINX will ensure less children have to grow up without both their parents in their life. Jo :)

Hi Troy, well done on getting the site up and running. Has great potential to help a lot of people, mums and dads and kids. Like Simon and Pellow, I have been screwed over by a lawyer, not so much the court system but same result. Single mum of 4, no child support and no support, physical or mental, im mum and dad 24/7 not complaining though, my kids are my world so I suppose im lucky, I have my kids and I feel for those that dont. Time to shake the system up a little!

Yep been screwed, would have been great to have Lyinx eairlier. Hope you can help others. Our children deserve better. I now relise how much more I could have done but it's to late now. Why didn't my solicitor tell me all this?

Hi Troy, This is a great thing you have set up. I went through the family court system a number of years ago and am lucky things have settled down now. I wish your support group was available for me when needed it back then. Family and friends just don't seem to understand. Thankyou again Troy, Simon

Sounds like a very good thing. Very much needed.

Thanks for the information, a very helpful and informative site.

Great site